There is something to be said about redemption… we all make mistakes, we falter. We feel guilt and pain. Hurting for the pain we cause others. Eventually it’s becomes overwhelming, that constant need to redeem yourself. The glimmer of hope you have successfully shown you are worthy of forgiveness. The sad truth is the hurt, and I mean the deep cuts, the ones that leave you in pieces and your heart bleeding in your hands is somewhat impossible to let go. When you rip someone down like that, the time it takes to heal can sometimes be unfathomable. You can wish and you can want, but inevitably it is out of your control. There is something important to remember, we have all, at some point been the person we thought we could never be, you cannot change the past, it is written. The worry, stress and anxiety that we bring upon ourselves leaves you battered and bruised on the inside. Reluctant to heal, in fear we will repeat. Let it go, forgiveness is a tough pill to swallow. Some people you will never satisfy enough for redemption.Find the strength to forgive yourself, your future depends on it and I promise you are worth it. I can’t say either side is easy for me. I tend to forgive to some quite easily and hold on to things for others. I have learnt that forgiveness cannot be expected, it takes time, however, be cautious who you devote your time too. Sometimes that malevolence that once lived inside you takes shelter in someone else.
There is a constant reminder of the person I used to be, although I have made serious choices to ensure I do not repeat past mistakes I am human. When someone lives through your darkest times with you, they have a much harder time letting the things you did go. I am well aware that you are responsible for the choices you make, the upset you cause and the chaos you spread. What I am also well aware of is that you cannot live in the past. I have lived there for fair to long. I am at a point where I am trying to be civil, I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to give people the benefit of the doubt because if I can change maybe they can too.
I spend a lot of time apologizing and beating myself up for the things I have done in my life. The truth is that we make the choices we do at the time because they are what we think is best for us at the time. I am not by any means saying that becoming an alcoholic was the best choice for me at the time, what i am saying is that drinking was what I thought was helping me forget. Now of course, looking back, it only made things worse. It ripped my life apart. We need to focus less on what we did and more on what we are doing. We need to remember that you are not in control of other peoples feelings or actions, those are not in any way your responsibility. So, do what is best for you, at the end of the day you are the only person who will. Help others, but don’t sacrifice yourself for them. There are few people in the world who would ever do it for you. You are NOT the responsibility of anyone. Take care of yourself, be independent. Say sorry and I love you and mean them.
The amazing Louis CK said “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide you didn’t” at the same time, people are fucking sensitive and sometimes they blow shit out of proportion. What I am trying to say is we don’t always think what we do is hurtful, the other end may think differently. Give people time to breath. We are all trying to live, we are all trying to make it.