Today I turn 32, aside from the “Happy Birthday’s” it couldn’t feel farther from a special day. My role as a parent is automatic. I love my children with every ounce of my being, they are a handful though. To add to the fact they are children, we have all been through a lot. I am a strong woman, this is both a blessing and a curse. Today is a rough day, it is only 2:37pm.
A lot has been expected of me throughout my life. I was smart and expected to get good grades, I eventually let people down. I moved out at a young age, I was an addict at a young age, I feel apart and put myself together at a young age. I let people down. It has always been expected that I could do it on my own, because I am strong.
If there was ever an award for making mistakes, I would take that shit. For sure it would be mine. I consistently beat myself up over past mistakes. Self blame kicks in, everything is somehow my fault. Aside from blaming myself for all of the things that are my fault, I like to one up myself and blame myself for the things that are not. This life is exhausting you know. If only my brain would give me a break, but I am strong… you know..
What if I don’t want to be strong for a minute?
What if I don’t want to be screaming before help comes?
What if I want someone to take care for me just for a minute?
What if I want a break and I don’t mean from the everyday struggles. I mean from the curve balls that are thrown in my already busy and stressful life.
What if I want to fall apart and stay like that for a minute?
Sometimes, I want to curl up in a ball and give up. Not forever but for a minute, I want to know that when I am done giving up things will be ok. That there will be no fire for me to put out. No damage control for me to do. No tears for me to wipe away. But you see I am strong, I am the glue that bonds everything together. There is no time for that. Not a single moment.
“You are so strong” I hear this often, and I suppose it is true. I have been there, and I have done that. I suffer from mental illness and I still live my life. I have broken into a million pieces and I put myself back together (on many occasions). Yet, I feel stuck on repeat. I feel the weight of the world resting solely on my shoulders. Ah right, as a parent it falls solely on your shoulders. I feel my brain screaming out for what I need and yet no once can hear me. I am fighting the invisible war, inside I am in shambles. I am covered in scars and bruises, I am bloody and tired of fighting. Oh shit, but I am strong you see. On the outside I am the epitome of calm, I am the aftermath of the rain, I am sun shining down on your face. Yet, inside I am the raging fire, I am the thunder, I am a storm and I am miserable.
This to shall pass, as it always does. The feelings staying the same but the intensity lessens. Today is my birthday but it shows no considerations for days, for people, for anything. Today is my birthday and I am struggling to breath. Today is my birthday and I feel nothing and everything. This is me.. always… So many things in my life are automatic, there is no thought just muscle memory. Be mindful of the world, we so very often come to conclusion without the necessary information. I am lucky to have so many kind gestures today. It made the day somewhat easier to bare.