Hope for the best

We all go through rough patches. Some people will tell you I am negative. To be truthful, there is a part of me that always wonders why someone is nice to me, or why they want to help. I feel like I am constantly fighting, constantly struggling. I takes 5 steps forward only to be thrown 5 feet back. 

Some of my struggles are self inflicted, others well, they find me. I have made huge strides in the last 2 year’s. I have dedicated myself to making sure my kids have a good life and put others first. I only recently realized that you cannot drive on empty. You cannot function like that. You cannot move forward miserable. So I stopped doing this and I stopped doing that, no thank you.  How quickly things change. 

I beg for the simple life sometimes. I see people who have had it easy and I envy them. I wish so badly to have it easy for a minute. I know that when my kids are older they will understand and they will appreciate everything. Well I hope they do. I am strong but I am tired. Sometimes I wish I could give up for a minute, just one, but you can’t. You have to continue onward. You have to fight through the sleepless nights, the moments of weakness, the tears, the runny noses, the vomit, the harsh words, confusion and everything else. You have to put that smile on your face and you have to keep going. I don’t know where I am headed right now, I haven’t the faintest clue as to what I am doing but I can tell you this. I am destined for greatness, happiness and rest. I will get through this just like every time before, I will persevere and even in my darkess moments I will be there smiling. 

Feelings never been my strong suit. People terrify me. I constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. Making the wrong choices, again and again. I am not an easy person to love. I have few close friends. They will tell you I say too much. I do, my life is an open book for the most part, however there is a darkness that lives inside me. Somehow I am still compassionate, I still believe good lives in all of us, yet I will sit here and question the motives of others until I have exhausted myself completely. I suppose the difference now is that I know I know I am worthy. I know what I deserve and more importantly what I do not. 

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