An Open Letter To My Children

To my children,

Although you are too young to understand what I am about to tell you, know that it is so important. You are the center of my universe, you are the single most important thing. I haven’t always been the best mother, I have struggled with addictions, mental health, and self esteem. I have not always made the best choices for you, or for myself. I found myself in a dark place and I allowed my demons to win at times.

The world isn’t always a happy place. You will struggle, your heart will break, you will be taken advantage of. Know that the actions of others do not rest on your sweet shoulders. They are not a reflection of you, they are not who you are. So, be kind and help others. Build people up instead of tearing them down. You will thank me later.

The world owes you nothing. Nothing in life is 100%, if you want something you need to work for it. Nothing is free. There are people in life who will have the best intentions for you, do not take advantage of these people. That being said, most people will only help if they are looking for something in return. Be very careful who you let into your life.

The world will tear you apart if you let it. Know your value, know your worth, know what you bring to the table. It is inevitable, you will have your loving heart broken, maybe even ripped to pieces. Do not allow this shy you away from love, learn to be OK alone. Sometimes we need to learn to love ourselves. At times in my life I have felt poisonous, cursed even. I took blame for the flaws of others. You are only responsible for your own actions. You cannot carry the weight of others. Believe me, I know this, I have tried and still try. It leaves you weak, exhausted mentally and physically. The right person will come along eventually. They will accept you for you, with all your flaws, all your greatness. They will give you 100% and in turn you must give 100% too.

Try harder. I cannot be there for you 100% of the time, although I will do my best. You need to learn to do it on your own. I promise to pave a much easier path than I have taken however, you need to do it on your own. I will always be here for guidance and I will always tell you the truth but I cannot make choices for you. Which leads me to the next one.

All choices have benefits and consequences. ALL OF THEM. Take time to consider your decisions, often enough they impact others. The best idea today may not be the best choice for tomorrow. That being said, make the best decisions for you, no one else will do that for you. You have a shot at life everyday, don’t waste tomorrow on today’s mistakes. Learn from your mistakes, DO NOT be like your mother and make them over and over and over just to be sure. Know that if you do, I will still be here. Know that I will not agree with every choice you make and at times I will NOT stand by your decisions but that does not mean I won’t stand by you. Most of all make sure you are willing and able to deal with the benefits and the consequences of your decisions.

Not everyone will like you and you will not like everyone. There is nothing wrong with this. We are people and we have different views and opinions. That is ok, what is not ok is ripping other people apart or tearing them down for it. It is ok to be outspoken, honest, even stubborn but do not hurt other people in the process. The amazing thing about people is that we are all different. Try and see the good in people, but know that sometimes you will not find any. Know when you walk away vs when to stay and fight. Stick up for yourself. Stick up for others. Know when to show compassion and when to tell them to  eat shit.

Life is about balance. Think of it as juggling. You have glass balls and plastic balls. The glass balls represent the thing in your life that are not negotiable, if you drop on it is gone and you cannot get it back. The plastic balls represent the things that you can set aside and pick up later. When you are feeling overwhelmed or there is too much on your plate you need to reassess what you are juggling. I am here for you.

Always know that I love you. When you saw me crying and I told you everything was fine, it wasn’t but you are a child and I want you to see the happiness in life. When I was frustrated and snapped at you, know that it wasn’t your fault mommy just has a lot on her plate. Know that every decision I make is so you can have a better life. Know that even when I am at my limit and I can’t bare to move forward, I will still be fighting for you. Know that when I am sad, I will be ok because that is what I do. Know that I have battled the darkest of demons, the fiercest dragons and here I stand still fighting. Know that fight lives in all of you.

I love you to the moon and the stars, but that doesn’t even begin to explain.

❤ Mama



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