Stay calm they say. Relax they say. You’re over reacting they say. I am fighting a war everyday, some days I win and some days I do not. I am a creature of habit, a never ending pattern of highs and lows.
Second guessing every thought before I even have time to process it. Constantly discounting myself only to be met with “why are you so hard on your self” or “you don’t give yourself enough credit”. These are often my favorite. They tell you that you are amazing, your wonderful, your special. That you’re different. That build you up and you start to see it even. You start to look at the carnage you have fought through and you begin believe for a second that you are worthy, that maybe there is something about you. Maybe just maybe they were on to something. The truth is this, how exactly am I expected to feel like I am all of these things? If I was, why is it so easy to neglect to tell me the truth? Why is it so easy to treat me like shit? The abuse? The neglect? The abandonment? Yet, they expect you to feel worthy, to know what you deserve. You are pitied because you cannot see what they say they do.
You cannot break someone’s heart and then demand they love.
You cannot tear someone down and expect them to feel whole.
You cannot rip someone apart and expect them not to bleed.
I know that confidence is NOT something that can be taught. I know that my self worth does not lie in the hands of others. However, there are days when I feel so insanely broken and how could I not. I am not responsible for the actions of others, yet those actions hurt me deeply. I am not responsible for the choices of others, yet those choices affect my life completely. Every time I think it is different, it is not.
They expect you to hide your feelings, to not feel the way you do. How is that even possible. How can you stay calm when everything inside is explosions and gun fire? I feel like I hide enough, it is OK to not be OK. Today, I am not OK.
I don’t ask for much, I feel like what I ask for is fair. My needs are minor compared to some.
I need someone who will take care of me as much as I do for them.
I need someone who doesn’t make me second guess my importance.
I need someone who will hug me just because.
I need someone who understand that sometimes I am impossible to understand.
Most of all I need to be stronger, I need to learn to love myself more. I need to show my kids that even though I suffer I function and I do that on my own. Today is not a good day for me but this to shall pass.