My journey has been a battlefield. I have been fighting most of my life. Fighting to survive, fighting to be free, fighting for myself, fighting myself, fighting demons, just fighting.
Redemption is a funny thing isn’t it, our sins take safe haven in our souls as we beg to be redeemed. We have all broken hearts, shattered trust, crossed lines, said things we shouldn’t. The truth is, we all make mistakes, we all falter, we all at one point or another give up and do things that we normally would not. I have found that you cannot expect forgiveness. Some people simply cannot let go of the things you have done and that is their choice. You cannot force someone to forgive you, they have to make that choice on their own. The same goes for each and everyone one of us. We cannot be forced to forgive it must be our choice. Forgiveness doesn’t mean it is forgotten instead a hope that you have learnt from that experience and won’t make the same mistake again. When someone forgives you they are trusting you won’t hurt them again. That being said you shouldn’t have to beg for it either. Speaking from experience the most important person you can forgive is yourself. We are all human, none of us our perfect. Give yourself room to breathe sweet child, you are not your mistakes. Your mistakes help mold you into the amazingly special person you are today.
I find the guilt I carry is the hardest to let go. I have always been so hard on myself. Believing that I could never do anything right. That I always fucked up everything. That I was poisonous. That I brought out the worst in people. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I am only responsible for my actions. I cannot apologize for the things that others do. I cannot be held accountable for the actions of others. The way people react to certain situations is not a reflection of me. How I react is a reflection of me. The older I get the more I realize that I am a very strong woman in some respects. I have mastered the art of perseverance. I, against my will at times, juggle more than I can handle and somehow handle it. In some respects I haven’t allowed my jaded past to corrupt my mind. I still look for the beauty in things. In others it has, I worst case scenario everything, I look for ulterior motives, I question peoples niceness. I suppose life has fucked me up a little.
The truth is sometimes you just have to let go and continue moving forward. Letting go doesn’t mean that you are forgetting about the things that have been done. It just means you are working past it. Some things are worth fighting for, others are not. You have to figure out which is which. All choices come with benefits and consequences and you need to make sure you can live with both.